Learning with Lily

Learning with Lily

Friday, 27 September 2013

Bumps, Bladders and Bum Grapes... The Dark Side of Pregnancy

Anyone who still labours under the illusion that "pregnancy is a beautiful time" has obviously (a) not been pregnant and (b) not been on any of the pregnancy forums.  OK, so there is sometimes something nice about having a bump, feeling a kick or watching a tiny human wriggle on a scan... But let's say that takes up 2% of the entire pregnancy journey. As for the rest...?

Bladder.  Remember that thing you used to be able to control?  The thing that gave you a little warning that you needed to pee about 20 minutes before it was absolutely necessary?  Well, wave goodbye to that old friend - your bladder now either completely malfunctions or gives you a two second warning to dash to the loo.  Dash?  That's something that you are no longer able to do.  Your bladder has turned from helpful friend to cruel, mocking bully - and don't get me started on pelvic floors...

Bum Grapes.  Do I need to be more descriptive?  I am not owning up to growing my own vineyard of this back-door fruits, but let's say many of my preggo acquaintances could put Italy to shame with their crop. And if you don't know what I'm talking about... I wouldn't Google it.  No don't.  NO really.  Knowledge isn't always power...

My own "special" affliction?  I am one of the proud owners of a pregnancy mask. No, it's not something I can put on at Halloween and take off.  Pregnancy mask is uneven pigment on your face - to the extent it looks as if someone has thrown coffee at your head.  It's very attractive.

What else?  Well, one of the mercies of pregnancy is that you are unable to see "down there" - one of the cruelties is that you are unable to ... ahem ... groom down there.  And the final insult?  It seems suddenly everyone has an interest in having a grope - doctors, nurses, midwives - you meet them, and suddenly they are looming towards you with a glove...  I suppose I'll start to worry more when it's a gardening glove and a pair of shears...

Don't even get me started on night sweats, mucus, groin pain and - my own special friend - the coccyx ...

But then, perhaps if pregnancy was a beautiful and comfortable time, we'd all cling onto our little ones until we were 20 years gone... as it is -


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